This post will show up on my website 24 hours after my mother passes, but it’s taken me a month to write it. On Monday, February 1st on 3:58 PM the completely unexpected happened. My mom died. She was 64 years old.

It’s hard to fathom that time’s passed since then. It feels like an eternity, and it feels like yesterday. I don’t know how myself and our family will move past it honestly. I don’t think she’d want us to be depressed or sad about it, but it’s hard not to be. Losing your mom shifts the way you view your life and life in general. For one, my kids won’t know their Grandma Robin. My oldest will have fuzzy memories of her probably like I do of my great grandmother who passed when I was his age. My youngest will have no idea and know nothing first hand about her. This seems like a huge crime.

Going through trying to find videos and pictures of her is hard. For one, she’s often behind me when I’m taking photos or in the background. She didn’t care to be photographed. She was self conscious of herself I think and always looked embarrassed when you tried to take her picture. But there are some good ones, mostly me snapping them when she wasn’t paying attention.

What’s interesting is whatever opinion I had of my mom before she passed changed. It took her death for me to realize how really great of a person she came to be. Maybe you also understand it more when you become a parent. You see the mistakes made, but you also see the immense sacrifices they made as well. She didn’t have to work two or more jobs when we were kids to make sure we had what we needed. She could’ve easily said screw it and go about her own business but she did not. She lived for her kids and they are better because of it. The opportunities I have now are because she believed in me.

Maybe no one loves you like your mother and ever will. You can really screw up and she won’t turn her back on you. Oftentimes the only people who get visits in prison are people who have moms around. They’re always there. She’s also your personal historian. Nobody really remembers your firsts except for her. She’ll have stories to share about you that no one else would ever know. When your mom dies you lose both. If you can’t remember your favorite food as a kid or the name of your first grade teacher you’ll probably never found out now. The same if the entire world turns against you. Your mom isn’t there to have your back anymore. The margins of error are non-existent now. Your finances and health and relationships with others are now more prevalent than ever. You are on your own so you have to make things count.

The last thing mom told me was to “go home and take care of your family.” She always said that to me. I’ll always remember it. I’ll always remember her.